There are currently zero (0) boiled bunnies on my doorstep

I received an envelope on Friday from the ex-girl of the moment. I did three things:
1. Listened for ticking.
2. Bent it. I was wondering if she was sending back the day spa gift voucher I bought her for her birthday. Fortunately, she was not.
3. Looked for a postmark. Yup, it was there so she had NOT been by the house.

Then I opened it – it was a letter. A three page letter! It was touching. She confessed her love for me, that she thought I was the one and said all these wonderful things about me. It was also scary; in a Fatal Attraction kind of way. She said she though of camping on my door step until I said yes (wrong for more reasons than I can count), but that I should NOT come back into her life unless I was carrying an engagement ring because she’d only have me back if it was forever.

There was a lot said in the three pages. Apparently I’m “so totally amazing” (uhh, OK), I’m the best kisser she’s ever had (that’s more like it) and it was the best sex of her life (and don’t you forget it). A bit more on the lovin, and I’d appreciate feedback. See, I banged her on Saturday night even though I knew I was going to break up with her. On a cad scale from 1 – 10, I believe that behaviour sits here:

|----------|-----X----|
Gentleman     Manly       Man whore

Anyone disagree?

I will write back to her – that’s a job for tonight. She put a lot of effort in and poured her heart out and the least I can do is acknowledge the letter and firmly and gently tell her it’s over. I also don’t want to ignore her and be bombarded with letters, texts, e-mails and deceased animals.

So, what brought it to an end? I’d been a bit so-so on her for the five-ish weeks we’d been dating. She was intelligent, had a sense of humour and there was a certain style and class about her. But…she was 25 and a part time student with no part time job, no real direction in life, no real goals or ambitions and she was the most UN-punctual person I’d ever met (she was 55 minutes late to the break-up coffee). Oh, I should also mention she STILL wore the engagement ring from her most recent relationship.

Being so-so, I introduced her to Mr A. & his wife, Mrs. L. to get some feedback. Their point: she doesn’t seem quite all there (how prophetic). So I took her around to my parents’ one Saturday night for dinner. She was HALF AN HOUR LATE and offered NO APOLOGY. That did not impress my parents. After dinner, she asked to look through photos albums (she did not have a normal childhood – her parents took no photos of her). While browsing through photos, she pulled out one of me with a friend: Miss R. She pointed at the photo: WHO’S THIS? She pulled it out of the album and turned it over looking for a date on the back. The odd thing is, in the letter she said I was very classy because I didn’t mention ex-girlfriends. Well, after the reaction to the photo of me with a friend, I was too fucking SCARED to mention ex-girlfriends.

The next night I saw Mum. I asked her, “Sooooo…what did you think?” She said, in her wonderfully honest way, “I think you can do better.” It was sealed.

Yesterday afternoon, I sent Miss K a text telling of the letter. And.She.Called.Me. Oh joy!! She’d ditched the guy she’d been seeing for a few weeks – he had a nasty habit of scratching himself:
Miss K: He scratched himself all the time.
Me: Scratched? Where?
Miss K: Where do you THINK?!!
Me: Uhh…that’s a sign of a venereal disease. And if he’s engaging in that kind of behaviour in front of you, where do you think those hands are going when you’re NOT around?
Miss K: Exactly. After I saw him scratching down there for 20 seconds, I never let him touch me again.

We talked for almost an hour. No denying, there’s a spark there. We’re having lunch on Wednesday. When I got off the phone, I had that feeling: the I’ve-been-plugged-into-a-socket-and-someone-had-thrown-the-switch feeling. The very feeling I had not felt with Miss L. Bring on Wednesday!