I did it last night. I added another ex-girlfriend to the list. This one wasn't easy...it never is. I'd talked it over with one of my closest friends on Tuesday. Miss K was out of town yesterday and this was the e-mail which greeted her this morning...it gave us a starting point for our morning coffee:
I feel awful, K. Absolutely awful (but better than yesterday evening). I now know what a person's face looks like when their heart is ripped from their chest. When I got to Café 130, Miss L had just arrived and ordered - she remembered what I drink! As I walked in, she turned around, said, "Hey baby," and gave me this huge smile, like this was THE highlight of her week…she put her arm around me and kissed me. She was wearing a really cute white sweater and impeccable make-up…she'd put a lot of effort in...K, at that moment I wanted to die. Here she was, totally looking forward to seeing me, put time into getting herself ready and, maybe she was thinking after coffee, we'd maybe have dinner, maybe the whole evening together. And here I was about to drive a knife into her chest.
She had no idea it was coming. Absolutely none. We talked for a bit, then I summoned all the courage I had and asked, "How do you thinking things are going?" She thought they were going wonderfully well. Then I said, "I don't think this is the right relationship for me." Utter shock and disbelief from her. Utter.Shock.And.Disbelief. The reaction I'd expect if I'd told her someone had run over her cat.
We talked. She told me she loved me, that she thought I was THE ONE, that she was in shock and that she never saw it coming. She confessed she hadn't "put her best foot forward" after all the things she went through last year and she was getting better (this would only make sense later on).
I think it was the shock that meant she kept things together much better than I…honestly, I was a bit of a mess. We held hands the entire time. She told me she didn't want to let go of my hand because that would mean it would be real. She told me I was [supposedly] wonderful, how great I [supposedly] am. I certainly didn't feel like that. I walked her to her car. It was one of those beautiful autumn evenings and the cafe strip was alive and buzzing; bathed in a wonderful mix of twilight and incandescent light. We hugged. There were tears. We hugged some more. We kissed one last time and she told me, "You still have my number if you change your mind." And I left.
When I got home from karate, there was a text from her, "Did you see the medication in my bag?" I hadn't, but I'm guessing she was on anti-depressants given her comment earlier in the evening. I told her I hadn't seen them - which was true, I had not. Not that I would have judged her on it - definitely not.
Over the hour, I was honest, open, caring and respectful. So why do I feel like cr*p?
Sigh. It's going to be a long day. And if you're wondering, the title of this post is a White Stripes song.
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2 comments:
Wow--that must have been hard for you to write. I'm sure it conjured back all the emotions you felt during the break-up.
I think when you respect someone, it's harder to end it. It doesn't sound like there was a breakdown of the relationship, just that things weren't moving forward the way they were suppose to. So when there isn't a real reason to end things (not getting along, fighting, bitterness etc) it's harder to explain.
Let yourself go thru all those mixed emotions. It's part of the process of getting back to where you want to be emotionally.
Well at least you were honest with her and told her the truth. Hope your day gets better. My advice to you: drink heavily. And I would listen to me because I am pre-med.
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